I have this memory as a girl, sitting in a very fancy restaurant where there was a dessert cart going around. A dessert cart full of mouth watering goodies: cakes, brownies, pies, cheesecake, and something tall! My mom said it was chocolate mousse. I didn’t care what it was called. I wanted it.

It was so much taller than the other desserts, It looked fancier. It had whipped cream on top. It looked like everything a dessert should be. My dad said if I behaved and ate well maybe we’d get a chocolate mousse.

So behave I did.

And I ate my food, even the carrots.

Then I heard that magical exchange between my mother and the waiter.

“She would like a chocolate mousse”

I thought  ‘oh boy you bet I do.”

It was placed in front of me and I dug in. First through the whipped cream. Yumm. Then to the point where there was a bit of chocolatey goodness on the tip of the spoon. Hmmm that wasn’t quite what I was expecting.

It was dark chocolate…to the dissapointment of many a child I’m sure.

Then I got to where it was ALL chocolate on the spoon and my enthusiasm begin to wane. Flecks of shaved chocolate joined the ensemble in the the puffs of air and I was out.

Just done.

I didn’t like chocolate mousse anymore. And my expectations of just how fabulous every single bite from that fancy fluted glass would be fell all around me.

I find myself in a similar position now. I have been elbow deep in doctrinal issues trying to figure out what I’ve been taught vs. what really is… What historians and scholars have to say…

Basically I’ve been trying to find out exactly what are the ingredients in this mousse.

But the bigger question is do I like the taste anyway?

My particular battle is with Mormonism and my concerns see-saw between two areas of conflict: difficult church history (Joseph Smith’s polygamy with teenage girls and married women, Book of Abraham and the small issue that it might be totally fabricated, and the bigger issue that all these things are whitewashed in current church publications) And current church issues (damaging treatment of the LGBT community, building a billion dollar mall, and not telling us how tithing money is spent)

My mind flips back and forth through these issues trying to come to terms with them individually and as a whole but slowly I’ve started to realize it might not even matter.

Because you know what? I don’t know that I liked going in the first place.

As I move the stages of grief over lost faith. I am getting to a point where I am finding what I need elsewhere and everywhere.

Even though I really wanted to, I just don’t like chocolate mousse.


One thought on “I might not like this.

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