One night I was laying in bed with my husband in our usual ritual: I talk a lot and he falls asleep quickly. I have learned not to take it personally – the man can fall asleep standing up. Me? I’m a night person. I can pull an all-nighter. I can burn the midnight oil. Road trip? I can drive through the night. He can’t. But then again he can wake up to the alarm clock on the first beep. Me? I can sleep through it for hours. I can sleep till noon then still want a nap at 2:00 in the afternoon. I digress…
We were laying there and I said: I’m not sure I’m good at putting Jesus and Heavenly Father first.
“what do you mean?”
God and his Son are supposed to be first in our relationship…
Well when I think about the next life I don’t really think about wanting to be with them… I just want to be with you.
I don’t even completely understand the Atonement. Christ suffered for my sins?
Sins I hadn’t yet committed?
So how does that work? Do I have a limited supply of sins? Am I destined to commit them?
And how does one night in the Garden of Gethsemane, and scourging, and the Crucifixion … all that incomprehensible pain compare to a life in a disabled body? Give me a week of the worst hell imaginable over 80 years in a body of severe cerebral palsy. An intact mind and not a single limb that you can move voluntarily, I can’t fathom it.
I worked in a nursing home, I saw a woman lay in the same bed for two straight years with no functioning ability except digestion. In fact, the mere ability to digest kept her in that situation. I wished death for her daily. It seemed like the most humane thing.
I just don’t get it. At all.
But I love you more than there are words for in our limited vocabulary. So if Jesus will keep us together, then I really love him for that… But I still don’t know if I can say He comes first….
Does that make me a terrible person?
Seconds before he fell asleep he said:
“No that doesn’t make you a bad person. I love you”
And then I heard him snoring. I whispered ever so softly…
What I was trying to say was – I don’t know if I believe anymore.